


Saturn

by mongaygay



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Bittersweet, M/M, POV First Person, Songfic, they muse about the stars and cry and kiss, wonho's very in love with minhyuk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 01:35:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14250255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mongaygay/pseuds/mongaygay
Summary: You taught me the courage of stars before you leftHow light carries on endlessly even after deathWith shortness of breath you explained the infiniteHow rare and beautiful it is to even exist--- Wonho's in love with Minhyuk and his voice and Minhyuk teaches Wonho several different meanings of the infinite





	Saturn

**Author's Note:**

> Go listen to Saturn by sleeping at last! That song was what inspired this really gay Wonhyuk AU HAHAHA
> 
> (This work is written in Wonho's POV)

_You taught me the courage of stars before you left_

_How light carries on endlessly even after death_

 

You told me about the stars; you said our love was written in them. I said you were cheesy. You laughed.

(I thought the stars were written into your eyes.)

That day when we sat on the roof of your car embraced by the black sky and kissed by all the stars, you kissed me along with them. (I taste cherries and pepsi in your kiss along with this memory.)

That day I learnt that the stars in the sky work so hard. They send light to us from millions of light years away and die before knowing what we’ve chosen to do with anything we’ve received. That day we stretched out our hands towards the pitch black forever and watched the starlight rain over our fingertips; elsewhere the stars have gone. I remember your raspy laugh as you told me human life was just meant to be this way. The universe; our lives. We appreciate things after they’re taken away, and then we crane our necks and squint up at the stars and we feel… sad.

(Soon after, my fingers began stretching towards you instead.)

(My star.)

 

_With shortness of breath you explained the infinite_

_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist_

 

I loved your voice. I wanted to kiss it into my lungs and deeper and keep you in me because god, that’s just how I loved you.

My mouth hung open for… God knows, how long, as you told me about continuity and the never-ending. About how the stars love each other so much they’re always pulling one another closer and about how they love each other so much all space and time could collapse from the weight of it. Infinity exists for this love so the love of the stars and the stretch of our universe could co-exist. Then you laughed your raspy laugh and said, more to the sky than to me, “That’s how I love you.” And then I cried and you laughed and then you cried too and we cried together for the first time under the light of a thousand dead stars from a million light-years away.

(This memory is associated with your wet lips tasting of salt and your fingers trailing down my own wet cheeks, wiping my tears away, and how safe I felt in the infinity of your love.)

 

“Do you know,” you said, “that nothing ever truly disappears?” I didn’t. You said that the universe loved all of everything so much that she would never truly let any of it go. You told me every bone and lash and cell in my body is reformed from the past, and maybe the stuff that exists in the stars, and everything that couldn’t _be_ any more, so they decided to make me. I told you the angels must have been what made _you_ then, and you laughed again and told me angels didn’t exist.

(That was your first lie of the night, with your eyes being the prettiest stars amongst all the ones above, with your fingers resting soft and gentle over mine, the light kissing your face like even the galaxies couldn’t keep away from your cheeks. Minhyuk, you said angels didn’t exist.)

 

_I couldn't help but ask_

_For you to say it all again_

_I tried to write it down_

_But I could never find a pen_

 

“Tell me again?”

“About what?”

“About the stars.”

And so you did.

And every time you told me I would feel my body tingling and my pulse rush harder as if the stardust in me got excited at the mention of its name. My fingers would find yours in the darkness and we’d lock our hands together and be calm in the nothingness. I’d pull you closer praying that the galaxies wouldn’t thunder and crash just from how much I wanted you. I’d think… that you were the infinity that allowed our love to exist. I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but I stopped being afraid of infinity because of you.

That… story? That love story of the stars was yours to tell. You, with the words just flowing over your cherry lips, calming, soft, controlled. You told it like you told our love, eloquent, calm, loving. I could never talk about us without laughing or stumbling or finding my way back to your lips as if I could transfer my thoughts to you and you’d make them into words for me.  
(You did; you were my voice. And I loved whatever you said.)

(I always worried about what would happen if I ever lost you.)

 

_I'd give anything to hear_

_You say it one more time_

 

One of the worst of losing your voice was how much I cried. And watching the tears fall on the whites of your hospital bed. And knowing your fingers wouldn’t brush the tears away. God, that made me cry even harder. Then you tried to smile at me, and it was like I could see your chapped lips crack and then I cried and cried again and it really did feel like the universe was crashing around me. Why you, why you, why you, why you… I understood a new meaning of infinite when my tears wouldn’t stop and my mind wouldn’t stop telling me it should have been me. When I stretched out my fingers towards you and you couldn’t reach back to fill the gap and the distance between us felt like it could never be conquered. I learnt a new meaning of infinite when I thought of the infinite amount of things I couldn’t do for you. And I cried, so so much.

(There was an accident, but I suppose I don’t have to tell you. You were the one who suffered, after all.)

 

Minhyuk, you…

You tried so hard to make everything normal again. To keep talking and laughing and… but every sentence was punctuated with your weak coughs that I knew wrecked your body, every laugh followed by a wince. You tied our love into your agony. That was the next most painful part.

(I wanted to tell you that all that crying in the night couldn’t possibly be good for your ruined voice either, but you thought I was sleeping, and I didn’t know how to comfort you.)

 

The most painful part was when you tried to tell me about the stars again, and I felt the story fracturing, shattering like the sharp edges around every word you speak these days. You reached the part about how the stars shared a love so powerful the world would crash and burn. I saw you trying to continue and I could pinpoint the moment where you felt a sharp pain in your throat and it wasn’t the vocal damage and I watched you bolt from the room to cry in the bathroom because you couldn’t swallow the lump that had come up in your throat. (Was it how much I loved you, or was it how much you loved me? Did we incur the wrath of the dead stars by being able to pull each other close?)

 

_That the universe was made_

_Just to be seen by my eyes_

  
I didn’t really know what to do. I knocked on the bathroom door and begged you to let me in and when you finally did, red-eyed and weak-kneed, you collapsed into my arms and I didn’t know what to do except feel your pain like knives in my own body. I never know what to say. And you… couldn’t say much. So I just held you tight in my arms and pressed my lips into your hair and hoped you’d be able to tell what I wanted to say. You always were able to.

 

 _You’re so beautiful_ , was what I wanted to tell you. _I love you and I love whatever you give me, your hoarse voice, your quiet laughs, all of you._ I wanted to tell you to rest your voice. _You don’t have to speak for me anymore_ . I wanted to tell you our love was enough to speak for the both of us. _You’ve worked so, so hard_. I wanted to tell you that but my tongue weighed heavy in my mouth and I couldn’t tell whose sobs were rocking both of us back and forth anymore.

 

I wanted to tell you that your light speaks louder than any story. I’ve seen the planets cowering in shame next to your beauty, but you’d never turned away from me long enough to see. You once told me all the world was made for me, and I wondered what was so special about me. At that moment when I saw you clearly after you had wiped my tears away again, and told me (in your broken voice) that we’d be okay, I finally knew what you meant. The universe chose me because you love me and I don’t mean to be cheesy but you’re the commander of all my skies and stars and you were made for me to love. What I didn’t tell you is that I was made to love you too.

 

_With shortness of breath, I'll explain the infinite_

_How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist_

 

So I took you to that field again, right in the middle of nowhere at the edge of the city. That field that you had driven me to when we were still teenagers and you wanted to tell me about the stars. That first day. I brought you back there again.

Then you coughed a little (and winced) and laughed a little (another wince) and told me that I didn’t have to talk.

“I already told you our love is written in the stars.”

You kissed me then and I felt your smile on my lips.

Our hands found each other, again. Six years later and we still remembered the way to each other in the dark, still had the starlight path to each other’s hands memorised. So we just let the stars speak for us and traced the constellations in the sky with our interlocked fingers and whispered back to the stars that cared for us so.

 

Six years ago you had taken me here and we had kissed on the roof of your car in the witness of all the stars and I had wanted to take in all of your voice because I had loved it that much.

 

Minhyuk, love, I can return it now.  
Everything you’ve taught me to take, to love and treasure and keep for me from you. If you’re losing yourself I can give it back to you. And I can give you all of me.

  
The field was completely empty except for us, and there wasn’t a sound but my shaky voice telling you about the stars, and I was… a little embarrassed, but you smiled at me and I knew I could speak forever if I could see that all the time. I spoke, you smiled, I found forever in the sparkle of your eyes.  
  
(And so I learnt another meaning of infinity.)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please leave kudos and comments <3  
> (talk to me @mongaygay on twitter)


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